By Robert Cohen Executive Director Text Only


Tis the Season to Be Irregular...
(Deck the Halls With Rolls of Charmin)


That five-week period between Thanksgiving and New Year's
Day is the best time for you to invest your dollars in the
Charmin Toilet Paper Company.

This is the time of year when most holiday parties and
family functions feature nogs, cheesecakes, ice creams, milk
chocolates, and dairy products galore. What goes in must
come out. It's the simplest of the Newtonian laws of
physics: For every eating action, there is an equal and
powerful digestive reaction. The results are often not very
pretty. Eat dairy, get sludge.


Discussing bowel movements can be rather unpleasant.

Doctors rarely ask you this critically important question.
Hippocrates taught that the state and form of your bowel
movements are the most revealing clues to the nature of your
physiology. That should be the primary question out of the
mouths of physicians and healers during their examinations.

Most cats and every dog I've seen have great bowel
movements. They don't need toilet paper. I've witnessed
horses and elephants, barnyard animals, little mammals and
large mammals all doing their duty, and they all have the
same thing in common. They defecate quickly, and their
"droppings" are firm.

Why are most humans the exception to this regular rule? Why
do cows and buffaloes make "chips," and humans make sludge?

Did you ever consider the consistency of the yellowish goop
inside of a jar of Cheeze Whiz? Could that be the same
consistency of the digested food leaving your body?

Constipation or diarrhea? Internal sludge or internal
blockage? In order to find the cure, one must first
determine the cause.

When you have an unknown disease, physicians often take
samples of your body wastes, run tests, diagnose, then
medicate. Isn't there an easier way for you to experience
"normal" bowel movements? You're damned right, there is!

Eighty percent of milk protein is casein, the mucous
producer. Casein from cow's milk is a foreign protein. When
you eat this antigen, your body's immune system manufactures
an antibody. The antibody is a histamine. As a result of
histamine production, many people open their medicine
cabinets or rush to their pharmacies in search of

Sprinkle Parmesan cheese on your pasta and ten hours later,
you'll have produced enough mucous to fill the empty quart
container of Ben & Jerry's Nitty Gritty. Most Americans
continuously eat one form or another of dairy products. The
average American eats the equivalent of 29.2 ounces per day
from this food group. For them, bad bowel movements are a
way of life. They have never known what it is like to be
regular. They never will if they continue eating dairy.

The cure is so simple. One week completely off dairy, and
you'll be as regular as Fido. Is it not worth the

Give this embarrassing newsletter to a friend or relative.
Dare them to take the NOTMILK challenge for just seven days.
If you truly love them and wish for them to have a
meaningful learning experience, treat them to pizza on day
eight. On day nine, they'll return to the messy sludge, and
experience that which most Americans deny:

Milk does not do the body good.

What I am about to suggest may have animal rights activists
protesting at my door. Feed Fido two slices of pizza for his
next meal. That gooey mozzarella should do amazing things to
his regularity.

WARNING: For the next few walks, leave behind the pooper-
scooper and bring along a spatula with you. Oh yes, bring
along Charmin too. Your dog will be smart enough to make the
connection. Will you?

Robert Cohen, author of:   MILK A-Z
Executive Director (
Dairy Education Board

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