WHAT ME WORRY?
Alfred E. Neuman, Mad Magazine's zany spokesguy, will be
wearing a milk mustache in the February 2002 issue.
Although Alfred E. Neuman's usual smile reveals a horribly
flawed set of gapped teeth, the dairy industry lie portrays
him with a perfect set of pearly whites. The ad reads:
"Got Milk? It's got calcium, which is great for strong bones
and toothy product endorsement smiles."
OK, I admit it. When I was a teenager, my favorite magazine
was MAD. In those days, millions of kids like me were
I even silently felt a debt of gratitude to MAD for naming
the Reverend Jerry Falwell the "dumbest person of 2001" for
blaming the 9/11 horror on feminists, gays, and lesbians.
However, MAD has crossed the line of decency by prostituting
Alfred to the dairy industry's whims.
Today, MAD's subscription base has dwindled to a few hundred
thousand. It's now time to bury Alfred, who targets teenage
boys with his asinine 'what me worry' milk ad.
There were times when Alfred E. Neuman's twisted logic made
sense, even to me. One of my favoite lines shows that Mr.
Neuman was more than just a pretty face. Alfred said:
"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the
In selling out to milk producers, what should the milk
promoting Alfred E. Neuman and his teenaged male readers
really worry about?
Real science, that's what!
Alfred E. Neuman and MAD readers will worry plenty after
reviewing the folowing:
"A 24-year-old vegetarian has been diagnosed with (MAD cow)
Cruetzfeld-Jacob disease. Scientists fear that milk and
cheese may be the source of infection."
London Times, August 23, 1997
"In reality, cow's milk, especially processed cow's milk,
has been linked to a variety of health problems, including:
mood swings, depression, and irritability.
Townsend Medical Letter, May, 1995
"At least 50% of all children in the United States are
allergic to milk, many undiagnosed. Dairy products are the
leading cause of food allergy, often revealed by
constipation, diarrhea, and fatigue. Many cases of asthma
and sinus infections are reported to be relieved and even
eliminated by cutting out dairy."
Natural Health, July, 1994
"An estimated 50 million Americans experience intestinal
discomfort after consuming dairy products. Symptoms include
bloating, stomach pain, cramps, gas, or diarrhea."
Postgraduate Medicine 1994;95(1)
Alfred E. Neuman should be MAD about how he was used in the